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Welcome to This I Believe, at NPR series presenting the personal philosophies of remarkable men and women from all walks of life.

I believe in mystery.
I believe in family.
I believe in being who I am.
I believe in the power of failure.
And I believe normal life is extraordinary.
This I Believe.

I’m Jay Alison for This I Believe. Our essay today was sent to us by Bob Barrette, a professor of emeritus Counseling at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and a psychologist at private practice. Barrette has worked extensively with the terminally ill and his belief became apparent to him in a vivid and surprising way during his training for that task and then carrying it out. Here is Bob Barrette with his essay for This I Believe.

I believe in integrity. It’s a belief that’s tested in those God wrenching moments when conflicting values pull me at opposite directions. Back in the early 1980s, I was in a training session for many health workers who were volunteering to provide counseling to cancer patients who had terminal diagnosis. Each of us was given 16 index cards and asked to write on each the names of people, abilities, things, and values we hold dear. In the course of our imagine cancer we had to surrender cards and somewhat abruptly have them taken from us. At the end I had two cards. One read integrity and the other read my family. How could I choose between theses two? Such a choice was unfair and impossible. My initial thought was that I would give up my integrity because I loved my daughters and would want their comfort at my death. But then I was realizing that dying without integrity might be worse. I drifted back and forth, not wanting to choose. In the end I uneasily kept the integrity card because I reasoned if I lost my family, integrity would still be possible; if I lost my integrity, my life would be without value.

I ended up spending five years working with cancer patients and their families and when the HIV crisis came in the mid eighties, I used my training to help the gay men face their deaths. They did it with rare courage and integrity. As I worked with these gay men, I began to be aware that my life was sort of a liar. When I met their care takers and friends, I realized that I had more in common with them than with my straight male friends. For a while I tried to silence this growing awareness, reminding myself that I loved my wife and children and they deserved a husband and father who was respected in the community. If I began to identify as a gay and claimed my integrity, surely I deserved to lose my family and possibly my job and all of my friends. As it turned out integrity was the painful choice I made, I suppose few of us want to hurt people we loved. For me telling my wife and later my daughters that I’m gay was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. At age 48, I did not know how to be gay, never mind how to find a man to date. So I was alone a lot. And in those lonely days, my choice haunted me. Many times I was attempting to abandon my integrity and go back to the person my family wanted me to be. But returning seemed useless for if I left my integrity as the door I would not have much to offer other than my presence. Today at the age of 67, I lived totally out as a gay man. To my surprise, being gay has turned out to be an opportunity for me to help sexual minorities and their families. For a while, I feared I had lost my family. I think that they felt betrayed and ashamed of me. But today we found ways to live in our love, each of us true to our own integrity.

Bob Barrette with his essay for This I Believe, Barrette said he and his ex-wife are friends now and that his three daughters and he had his first family reunion last Christmas with ten grandchildren. We hope you'll consider our invitation to write if you have personal beliefs as Barrette did. In fact he suggested to his book club that each of them write an essay. To his surprise, everyone did. And they discovered things about one and another they had never known.

You can find out more about our series at npr. org/thisibelieve, you’ll also find up a link to our broadcast. For This I Believe I’m Jay Alison.

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