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This morning on the doctors are in, struggling marriages, young couple today has a 40 percent chance of getting divorced. When the going gets tough, why do so many people get going. Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist and Today/ contributor, and Dr. Drew Pinsky is a relationship expert and host of the radio "Show Loveline "
Hey, folks, good to have you back.
Good morning, thanks.
40 percent people get divorced, but we know there are a lot other people living in marriages and they are struggling and they are thinking of themselves. Is it worth saving this? Is the bottom line if you are even thinking that, that is probably worth the effort?
I would say, yes. However there are few covet us– physical abuse, serious emotional abuse. That means consistent social isolation and constant criticism that is really toxic.
I sort of think of it as an unwillingness to change and be part of the partner, There is toxic issue going on, there is sub-abuse, or even, even sometimes like the actual syndrome that people are unwilling to get treatment for. Not enough has made it the fact that..that individual if they are willing to change and does get appropriate treatment, things can work out very well.
You talk about disdain. If there is a disdain for one partner by the other, that marriage is too far down the track. So isn't it?
Yes, you know what, Generally speaking, my experience, (you could be contempt though, you could take the distain as contempt), disdain and contempt are so toxic, and so difficult to manage even if you come into treatment, that’s been my experience, that usually you are kind of at the end of the role bearer.
And that it can be, because of something called irreconcilable differences which....
Let's talk about this. (yeah) a lot of, you know, in a lot of states that's what people put down as a reason to get divorced .It’s less severe than abuse, it’s certainly less severe than infidelity, is it real, is it ok?
You know, I would tell you that basically you never marry your clone, of course, there are gonna be differences, our expectations are, (no body says irreconcilable differences), but isn't that a judgment call, you could say, I think it’s...( that’s the unwillingness to change again), because there is reconcilable. Because neither person is willing to give a little bit, and the fact is would that marriage fail, people are just as like/ to go recreate the same exact relationship in the second marriage.
Oh, Ok, but irreconcilable differences, you are assuming these people haven't come up with these after two weeks, they probably come up to it after these with 3 years, 4 years, 8 years, so why is it legitimate? (It is legitimate)
It’s a legitimate feeling, but you are weighing it against other things, the benefits of staying married which are physical health, emotional health, their children's longevity, their physical health, emotional health, their ability to stand relationship.
What about the ideas that life isn’t a dress / rehearsal, and you hear lot of people say, if you can’t find happiness in this relationship, find it somewhere else.
And that's what I would say to them that the likelihood they would be happy in the next marriage, is definitely no better. It has to be with the person, personal happiness and ability to work on that unchanged.
That’s the fact that we don’t take commitment that.. We take it too lightly. It’s always wrong to take commitment lightly, but we make a, make a solemn vow in front of God and everybody, and we think well you know, things are kind of going so well. Well, if this isn't working for me, I will try someone somewhere else. This has to be taken very very seriously because of the mental and physical health issues for everyone involved.
And because people often blame their own unhappiness on the marriage, understandably so, they say, oh, it must be about the marriage and this person, when it’s often about something in themselves.
In some ways, the statistics generated a vicious cycle because when people hear, that 40 percent of people or 45 percent of people get divorced, it immediately makes you think well, then it's not that big a deal.
It's become, becomes a social norm, really and social norm behaviors or thoughts really become something that we all participate in, because it’s endurable..
And you feel like you are in good company, and you feel like may be I’m not doing something that's such a big deal, if you feel PS there will be a big pool of other people out there, you feel the same way that you can get remarry too.
In the 45 seconds left, the idea that the kids complicate everything, and the question is there such a thing as a good divorce for kids and if so, is a good divorce better than a bad marriage.
Healthy divorce is every bit as important as healthy marriage, may be even more important, the ability to work together and by the way, it’s not just important for kids, it’s important for each individual person. So that they can move on.
The kids will say that, sometimes adult kids would look back and say they / relieved when their parents broke up. But those are usually situations of sub-abuse and extreme worse, contempt and abuse, this sort of thing. Well, kids are really relieved that things are breaking apart, but again, I cannot emphasize strong enough, that going and getting treatment, often will relieve those things. Our kids will just as relieved by parents participating in something constructive. (and even individual treatment.)
Bottom line though is never OK to take the commitment too light, never. never.
Gail. Draw, good to see you both.