一面之辞


　　一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。

　　“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。

　　“你的右边耳朵听得见吗？”法官[屏蔽]。那人点了点头。

　　“你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。”


One Side of the Case


A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

走私犯


　　一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。

　　“里面装的是什么？”他[屏蔽]。

　　“土。”司机回答。

　　“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”

　　那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。

　　一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。

　　“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他[屏蔽]。

　　“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。

　　哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。

　　同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”

　　那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”



A Smugglar


The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

采购过早


　　那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。

　　“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

　　“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”

　　在商店开gate之前，“犯人应道。



Early Shopper


It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

翅 膀


　　一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关gate前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁gate时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”


Wings


The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."

零钱不用找了


　　在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。

　　我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。



Keep the Change


Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

三声口哨


　　我答应过我的女朋友过生日进送她一条金项链。可是当珠宝商报出我们看中的那条项链的价格时，我低低地打了个长口哨。“那这条项链多少钱呢？”我指着另一个盘子里的项链问。

　　“先生，对你来说，”珠宝商答道，“大约值三声口哨。”



Three Whistles


I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

太有礼貌


　　一名妇女经常光顾一家小古董店，但几乎从不买什么东西，却总是对商品和价格吹毛求疵。对于那妇女的粗暴抱怨，经理和她的销售员总是应付了事，但是有一天她做得太过分了。“为什么你们店里总是不能得到我想要的东西？”那名妇女指责说。

　　职员脸上带着微笑，沉着地回答道：“也许是因为我们太有礼貌了。”



Too Polite


A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman.

A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite."

优缺点


　　“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的，我将告诉你们它的缺点 - 往南面一个街区是一家化工厂，往北面一个街区是一家屠宰场。”

　　“那么它的长处呢？”预备购买房子的人[屏蔽]。

　　“它的好处，”代理商说道，“就是，你总能分清风是从哪边吹过来的。”



Good Points and Bad Points


"This house," said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

照相机


　　在前往威蒙特参加一个婚礼的路上，我和丈夫意识到我们忘了带照相机。我们在一家百货商店gate前停了下来，希望能够买到一种便宜的，一次性照相机。萨尔问店主：“你们有那种用了就扔的照相机吗？”

　　“我说，小伙子，”店主回答说，“我可不管你买了之后怎么处理它。”



Camera


On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?"

"Look, fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it."

中间战术


　　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

　　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

　　左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

　　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。



Midway Tactics


Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

大制服


　　在圣安东尼奥的莱克兰空军基地的头三天，我们被从一个地方赶到另一个地方去理发、照相、领制服。回到营房之后，训练指导员让我们穿上制服，在营房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特别大。我们列队的时候，中士和他的副手就站在gate边。“我们得将一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他说，“最后那个人走了两步，他的制服才动。”


Large Uniforms


During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved."

快速反应


　　我和连长在面试我们炮兵[屏蔽]侦察中士一职的候选人。被选的士兵要求有敏锐的观察力及快速的反应力。在一次面试时，连长指着一英里外的一座小山问一名年轻的中士：“你能看见那座山吗？”

　　“是的，长官。”他回答道。

　　“你能看见那座山上的无线电天线吗？”那士兵又说他能。“那么，”连长接着说：“你能看见停在天线上的那只鸟吗？”

　　那名中士身体前倾，眼睛眯成一条缝。“看不见，长官，”他说，“但我听见它在唱歌。”

　　他得到了那份工作。



Quick Reaction


My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"

"Yes, sir." he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."

He got the job.

视力训练


　　班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫的回答：

　　“十六个士兵和一个中士，长官。”

　　“正确。可你如何知道那儿有一个中士？”

　　“他不干活，长官。”



Visual Training


The squad were having "visual training". One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:

"Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir."

"Right; but how do you know there's a sergeant there?"

"He's not doing any digging, sir."

速度限制


　　我作为美国空军人员分遣[屏蔽]的一员驻扎在英国皇家空军某某地，那里有一条狭窄的马路蜿蜒穿过拥挤的居民区。因为多次出现汽车撞伤行人一类不甚严重的车祸，美国空军司令员决定将车速限制在每小时三英里。

　　新的车速限制公布后不久，一名骑警中士因一名吉普车司机开车时速达五英里而给他开了一张超速传票。

　　我很想知道骑警是怎样如此精确地知道那辆吉普车的速度的。“我遛达着要在邮局关gate之前到达那里，”他解释道：“当我超过吉普车时，我注意到计速器指向了每小时五英里。”



Speed Limit


The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area. After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.

Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant issued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h. I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep's speed so exactly. "I was jogging to get to the [屏蔽] before it closed," he explained, "and as I passed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h."

西点军校


　　父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好认我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”

　　一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”



West Point


My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."