真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远!


　　第一次世界大战期间，一场大战役正在进行。枪炮轰鸣，子弹横飞。这样持续了一小时后，有个士兵认为战斗太危险了，所以他离开前线，开始逃离战场。走了一个小时后，他看见一个军官朝他走过来。军官拦住他，[屏蔽]：“你到哪儿去？”

　　“长官，我正尽力躲开身后正在进行的战斗。”士兵回答说。

　　“你知道我是谁吗？”军官生气地说：“我是你们的指挥官。”

　　士兵听了十分惊讶地说：“天哪，真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远!”



I Didn't Know That I Was So Far Back Already!


A big battle was going on during the First World War. Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere. After an hour of this, one of the soldier decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle. After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him. The officer stopped him and said, "Where are you going?"

"I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battle that's going on behind us, sir." the soldier answered.

"Do you know who I am?" the officer said to him angerly. "I'm your commanding officer."

The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, "My God, I didn't know that I was so far back already!"

正是士兵


　　作为一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通过擦拭自己的M-16式自动[屏蔽]给全排作个榜样。我们一块擦枪，一名战士抱怨由于M-16的枪栓枪膛的特别凹形结构，擦起来十分困难。

　　“中尉，应该制造一种擦这枪的工具。”士兵说。

　　“已经制造出来了。”一军士尖叫。

　　“真的？”我十分诧异，纳闷为什么我们没有定购这种工具。

　　“真的，长官，”军士答道，“它就是士兵。”



None Other Than a Soldier


As a newly commissinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle. While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16's bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.

"Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with," the soldier said.

"They do," piped up a sergeant.

"Really," I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.

"Yes, sir," replied the sergeant. "It's called a soldier."

最好的奖赏


　　一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。

　　“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”



Best Reward


A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

臭　鼬


　　“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对[屏蔽]调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”

　　“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的gate打开。”

　　一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。

　　“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”



Skunk


"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"

搞错了


　　一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的gate口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”

　　“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。

　　“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生[屏蔽]。

　　“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的G0vern.ment来出这笔钱。”



A Mistake


An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

好消息和坏消息


　　“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。

　　“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”

　　“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”

　　“那么坏消息呢？”

　　“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”



Good News And Bad News


"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.

"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"

"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."

"And the bad news?"

"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."

绝 配


　　一位[屏蔽]为拥有一只珍贵的古玩而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。

　　最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。

　　多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。“爸，”儿子说，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的？”

　　“儿子，”父亲回答说，“我漆了花瓶。”



Perfect Match


A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."

耐 性


　　垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？

　　旁观者：我没那耐性。



Patience


Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?

Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.

世界上最伟大的击剑手


　　在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。

　　他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。

　　“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!”

　　“啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”



The World's Greatest Swordsman


At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

只有一次


　　一位驯狮新手正在接受采访。“我知道你的父亲也是个驯狮手，”记者说。

　　“他过去是。”那人回答说。

　　“你真的把头伸进过狮子的嘴里吗？”

　　“只有一次，”那位驯狮新手说，“为了找我爸爸。”



Only Once


A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. "I understand your father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried.

"Yes, he was," the man replied.

"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"

"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."

追星族


　　从小时候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前当我在纽约第五大街上认出演员厄内斯特.波格尼向我迎面走过来时，我欣喜若狂，完全不知该说什么好。“怎么，你是厄内斯特.波格尼!”我想法迸出一句话来。

　　“是的，”他很有礼貌地点了点头，说道：“我知道。”



Starstruck


I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue. "Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!" I managed to blurt out.

"Yes," he said, nodding politely, "I know."

不用找了


　　有一天天气闷热，我将冰淇淋舀进锥筒，告诉我的四个小孩，他们可以从我这里用拥抱“购买”一筒。于是，孩子们马上排起了队来购买。较小的三个孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓过冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后轮到排在队尾十年的大儿子来“买”冰淇淋时，他拥抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑着说。


Keep the Change


One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.

缠住不放


　　丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在gate口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？”

　　“我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。”

　　莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？”



Persistance


Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?"

"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."

Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?"

款 待


　　我是新泽西州大西洋城[屏蔽]局的一名新[屏蔽]。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。

　　一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。

　　警车很快来了。一名[屏蔽]问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了[屏蔽]们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名[屏蔽]问。

　　“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

　　“因为，”那名[屏蔽]说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新[屏蔽]中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！”



Treat


As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.

Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.

"An ice-cream cone. Why?"

"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"

模 仿


　　一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”

　　一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。

　　“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”



Imitation


A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."